mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
