I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
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