a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
