I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
