He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Randomize
