So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
