ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
