Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
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You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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