I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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