Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Found your dick twin last night
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
