My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
