No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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