She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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