your room smells of hookers.
And success
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
