hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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