I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
