she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
