OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Randomize
