i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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