I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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