I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
