Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
