He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
