i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
