I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
