No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
