I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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