Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
