Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
