im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
