She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
