hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
