You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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