it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
