I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
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