Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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