I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
