my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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