I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
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