Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
