Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
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