Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
You have to summon your inner elephant
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
