u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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