god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
