I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
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