Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Even the bartender felt bad for me
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
