Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
