Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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