That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
