if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
