I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
