Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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