My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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