What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
