In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
