I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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