so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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