I accidentally had phone sex last night
someone owes me an orgasm
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
