i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
They took my balls.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
