I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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